A Struggle

With each passing day the thoughts that things will get better becomes more of a fantasy.The sleepless nights,twitching,jerking and shaking when you lay down even when it isnt cold.Getting up panting and sweating even on the coldest of nights.When will it end,when will it stop.One day and one word changes you forever.Under a flight of stairs everything changed.The black clothing still vivid and fresh in your memory as if it just happen.Looking up with fear and longing.To hear that one word.Knowing how it felt,to be whole,to be happy.Dreading the day when it all happen.A day you cant forget,engraved into your mind,heart and soul for your whole entirety.You almost wish that the pain and hurt you felt before that day had never stopped.Wanting to almost never know the joy you once felt.Its so extreme that even the thought of getting close to the road that lead to that place and venue makes you choke,leaves you breathless and gives you a heart shattering feeling that makes you catatonic.If you hadnt known that feeling of bliss then maybe just maybe the darkness wouldnt be so bad.You saw the light and felt the warmth.And now you cant even see your own hands infront of your eyes and its so cold that your body wont move and yet the Grim Reaper eludes you.His Sythe wont come for you.He sits there and watches you with a certain uderstanding and sadness in his bottomless eyes.Regretfully he stands comes to you,touches your shoulder and says it is not your time.He turns and disappeard into emptiness.That means you must endure it all.What for?Why you?You pray each night it will end hope that you will feel the sun again,that your eyes will see and the blindness will be lifted.Those nights in your bed,in your head.Standing on the balcony,looking out of a window or staring from the roomtop.Fighting the compulsion to end it all with just one step,one move.You are surrounded by many and yet you are all alone.You look up and ask when will it end,screaming into the night with no other sounds than the echo of your own voice and the wind blowing.All forms of intoxication only giving temporary solace and as you sit there it all creeps back at you with its malice and vengence.Even when you want to stop it and finally jump to your end you cant because of the bonds that you made even though they only exsist as mere words you fear breaking beacuse if you do the nightmare will become YOU,and you will end up becoming the torment that has been sipping into your very bones and you will lose the small bit of humanity you still possess.